How to Shop with a Non-Shopper

Mr. Outlaw and I have been very busy finishing up the semester and making Salvadore's Savory Sausage to raise money for our outlaw daughter to visit Europe as a Student Ambassador. As a result, I have been neglecting you, my dear reader. While I could give you a nice Christmas card how-to, or suggest an idea for a homemade candle or some such, I choose instead to provide some advice on how to survive the holiday season: shopping with a non-shopper.

Some of you may be wondering, "What, exactly, is a non-shopper?" A non- shopper is anyone who hates to shop, usually a boyfriend or husband, but sometimes a lesbian friend fits this category. I really think these people hate to shop because they only shop when it is crazy-busy at the malls: last minute at Christmas, Mother's day, or Valentine's day.  The poor dears only experience with shopping has involved parking-lot scrimmages and packed stores. You really can't blame them for wanting to avoid that, can you?

If you have a non-shopper in your circle, try these tips:


1. Only go to malls that have full service restaurants that have bars. This may mean that you have to avoid discount shopping centers. You can have a deal or you can have a nice day with your non-shopper, but you can't have both.
2. Valet Park. You will avoid all of that parking lot drama. The parking attendants hardly ever call people names for taking parking spots.
3. Before shopping, go to one of those full service restaurants and have appetizers and cocktails. You don't want to shop hungry or thirsty, do you?
4. Sit at the bar. You know, like you did before you had kids. Why? Remember what it was like before you had kids. My point exactly.
5. Only shop at stores that have places for your non-shopper to sit and watch tv while you try things on. They hate it when they have to lurk about leaning on racks of clothes with nothing to look at.
6. Pick stores with attractive, sassy salesgirls who will wait on your shopper hand and foot while giving them a good natured  hard time.
7. If you are shopping for your non-shopper, you might consider pre-shopping. Go on a little  reconnaissance mission. Find the items your non-shopper might like and set them aside. If you make your non-shopper follow you around while you look at every. single. item. on. every. single. rack., your non-shopper will lose interest and wander off in search of a chair, or a tv, or a cocktail, or all three.
8. When finished shopping, reward your non-shopper with more food and drinks. By then, he or she will have had such an awesome time shopping with you that they won't roll their eyes and claim to have a bowel problem when you mention shopping.

Have a wonderful Holiday Season,
XO Outlaw Homemaker